fear

I’m afraid to move into a more fragile neighborhood because I keep thinking that something will happen to my family.

It’s true.  I don’t like it.  But it’s true.

I realize that for a long time I’ve talked a big game when it comes to situations like this but when it comes time to really make a difference I don’t have it in me.  I feel like there are hundreds of relationships that are passing me by that otherwise could lead to some awesome restoration.

And it scares me to think what could happen.

This fear is limiting my future.

I’m afraid of rejection and will not “put myself out there” to meet people because I’m afraid that they will think I’m odd.

Sometimes my brain is still stuck in a high-school mentality.  I realize this is one of the places that I need to continue to grow up and develop a “reality-based” perspective.  Even as I’m writing this, it sounds ridiculous that I would even think this way.

But I do.

This fear is limiting my future.

I’m afraid to tell people some things about myself because I don’t want to disappoint them.

Of course, it seems as though I’m conflicting some of the things I’ve already said, but in general I’m proud of the decisions that I’ve made in the past few years – I’m confident that the outcomes of those decisions have made me a better person.

But there are things that I will continue to try to hide – even things that would seem not to matter – because I suspect that people would be disappointed by them.

fear.

This Sunday at Watershed, as Matt talked about fear and how God’s ultimate plan for us is freedom, not guilt or fear.  I’m learning that, slowly … very slowly … in my own life.  The realization for me was that I will not be able to reach my full potential out because of my irrationalities.  I believe that we’re supposed to be a crazy force for good – doing good with every choice – bringing heaven to earth with every choice.

Slowly, I’m learning to live beyond my fears – to live in the freedom that was intended for me.

…. but don’t get me started about patience.