why

Often, I struggle with what I don’t have. I’m told that this isn’t supposed to matter, but this has only a nominal effect on my reality. The fact is that I often look well beyond the things that I have to what I perceive as lacking. I wish I knew why it seems that contentment is so hard for me to achieve – in reality, I’m avoiding doing the hard work of delving deep into my soul to figure out what’s going on.

Cognitively, I know that I have everything that I need but for some reason this isn’t enough. Granted, this is true in a lot of avenues in my life. When I’m anxious I and well aware, on an intellectual level, that I’m not in any danger or that bad things are not going to happen to me. Still, there are many times that I can’t turn off this anxiety no matter what I know to be true in my head.

Another example: I know that my job is fantastically-suited to my current situation. Still, I dream of bailing out of the first floor office – what would life be like if I could truly spend every day doing exactly what I wanted to do? My brain can practically understand and evaluate the inherent value (can you say “paycheck”?) and yet my mind yearns to leave it all behind, to jump with abandon, to be free.

This discrepancy is fascinating to me. I often wonder where this comes from.

Intuitively, I’m forced to conclude that my intellect and my spirit are at odds. Day in and day out, I’m doing something other than what my spirit wants me to do. I’m knee-deep in code when my spirit says that I should be wading through relationship with people. This is something that I can obviously not ignore.

That said, I am well aware that my mind may, in fact, not have my best interest in … well … in mind. If my intellect is the scientist, my spirit is the hippie who wants to ignore the fact that there are bills and responsibilities in favor of communal life with other ideal-worshippers.

So, herein lies my wrestling match. Everything about my intellect says to stay the course, that things will work out, that life is good. Yet my spirit argues fervently – life is good, but it can be so much more.

It’s time for me to do the hard work.